Schools are not Parents- And Thats OK

Let’s get one thing straight: schools are not parents. We’re partners.

After more than twenty-four years in education, I’ve seen schools step up in extraordinary ways — supporting children through trauma, poverty, and the complexity of modern life. But lately, it feels like the balance is tipping. Schools are being asked to be everything — educators, counsellors, social workers, moral guides, and, increasingly, stand-in parents.

Here’s the thing: schools can’t do it all. And they shouldn’t have to.

The Adolescent Brain and the Power of Connection

Dr. Pamela Cantor, from Turnaround for Children in the US, reminds us that “context and relationships are the air the brain breathes.” It’s such a powerful image — because she’s right.

The adolescent brain is still under construction. The prefrontal cortex — the bit responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and decision-making — won’t fully develop until the mid-twenties. That means adolescents are driven far more by emotion than logic. They need adults — at home and at school — to help them make sense of their feelings, mistakes, and choices.

But here’s where it gets messy: many young people today are turning to TikTok or YouTube for guidance before they turn to the adults in their lives. Online, they’re bombarded with culture-shaping messages about who they should be, what they should believe, and how they should act. Without strong parental boundaries, these kids are left to navigate an adult world with a half-built compass.

And when those boundaries aren’t in place at home, the fallout lands in classrooms. Teachers end up managing the behaviours that come from children being left to figure out life on their own — and it’s exhausting.

Partnership, Not Parenthood

Partnership doesn’t mean schools take over. It means working together — with shared values, consistent expectations, and open communication.

Families bring history, identity, and culture to a child’s world. Schools provide structure, community, and opportunity. When those two forces align, the result is powerful. Children thrive when they feel a sense of continuity between home and school — when they see that the adults in their lives are on the same team.

Carla Rinaldi, one of the great thinkers from the Reggio Emilia approach, says,

“The relationship is the curriculum.”

Every relationship — teacher to student, parent to child, school to family — teaches something. When that web of connection is strong, children develop resilience and self-belief. When it’s frayed, they flounder.

Why Boundaries Matter

I love how Tom Bennett puts it in Running the Room:

“Boundaries aren’t cages — they’re the walls that make freedom possible.”

Children — whether they’re five or fifteen — don’t just want boundaries; they need them. Boundaries create safety. They tell kids, “You’re cared for. You’re protected. There are limits because you matter.”

The mistake adults sometimes make is thinking boundaries are about control. They’re not. They’re about care. When schools and parents hold clear, fair, and consistent boundaries, children learn accountability and respect. They learn that adults mean what they say — and that stability is possible even when life feels unpredictable.

Schools can do this brilliantly within their walls. But when the same messages aren’t mirrored at home, the system wobbles. It’s like one parent saying “no dessert before dinner” while the other hands over the ice cream. Mixed messages breed confusion — and confusion breeds conflict.

The magic happens when families and schools agree on the boundaries that keep kids safe, emotionally and socially.

Reimagining Responsibility

It’s time to rethink what responsibility looks like.

Schools aren’t hospitals — we can’t (and shouldn’t) try to fix everything. Our role is to educate, guide, and nurture. But we can invite parents into genuine partnership. That means real conversations — not just about grades or attendance, but about wellbeing, expectations, and digital influences.

We can help families understand what’s happening in their children’s brains — that their impulsive, sometimes dramatic teen isn’t broken, just human. And we can empower parents to set consistent limits at home, while we do the same at school.

When both sides work together, we create something powerful — an ecosystem where care, accountability, and growth thrive side by side.

The Call to Courage

Partnership takes courage. It’s easier to give in than to hold the line. It’s easier to blame than to collaborate. But courage looks like a teacher calling home not just when things go wrong, but to build trust. It looks like parents saying, “We’re with you — how can we help?”

And it looks like schools being brave enough to say:“We can’t raise your child for you — but we’ll stand beside you while you do.”

That’s the sweet spot.That’s where boundaries, belonging, and genuine growth happen.

Because when parents and schools walk side by side, children don’t just behave better — they become better. They become thinkers, doers, and kind humans who can navigate life’s noise with confidence and clarity.

And isn’t that what we’re all here for?